Rules and Regulations for Working and Living with Avengers and Loki
by TheEmmettCullenProject
Summary: Everything you need to know about living, working, and being in the same vicinity of the Avengers and Loki! Very funny. (At least we think so!)
1. Chapter 1

HELLO ALL YOU FREAKS AND GEEKS!

This is your lovely authors speaking!

First off we would like to get the disclaimer out of the way so…

We own absolutely nothing. If you recognize it, it is NOT OURS! The closest thing I have to actually owning Loki is a 4 inch action figure I have hanging on my wall.

Now on to more important matters…

We did this simply for fun and to keep our minds from turning into goo at work, because believe me… I've seen it happen!

So read on fair readers, and review. Loki likes it when you review!

Oh yea, everyone else wishes for us to say that they like reviews too. Except Natasha. She couldn't care either way.

**Rules and Regulations for Working and Living with Avengers and Loki**

Rule #1

As tempting as it is, do not sing never ending songs to see how long it will take to get on Tony's nerves.

He will get you back. Believe me. It took me forever to find the tape recorder he set to continuously play 'Call Me Maybe'.

It was cleverly concealed in the air vent below my bed.

Rule #2

DO NOT, under any circumstances, try to slip a matching cowbell around Loki's neck while he is sleeping.

He will kill you. Slowly. Intimately. In every way he knows you fear. There are no second chances.

Rule #3

Teasing Steve with pop culture references may be fun at first, but when you need help writing your history paper on the early 40s, he will kindly tell you in an early 40s kind of way to go fuck yourself. And you will be standing there wondering what he just said.

After that, I stopped teasing him and started explaining what everything I say means. I think that annoys him more than the teasing.

Rule #4

Tony doesn't like it when you switch JARVIS's voice to your favorite tv/movie star's, favorite singer's, or Director Fury's.

Fury's voice will scare the hell out of him at first then he will get super pissed. Then get the idea to use it to his advantage.

Clint and Natasha were told by an AI that they had laundry duty for a month and never knew the difference.

He then had Steve cleaning windows and mopping the floor in a pretty pink apron.

Yes, Steve did wonder at first, but then went to work mumbling something under his breath about being a soldier and following orders.

Rule #5

Don't ask Loki to be his Mischief Maker.

He will look at you strangely, then get an evil glint in his eye. After a moment of consideration (with that evil smirk on his face), he will tell you yes. Then you have to do all of his dirty work.

This includes, but is not limited to:

Decorating Mjolnir with superglue and pink sparklies

Switching Natasha's shampoo with green hair dye

Replacing all of the gun powder in Clint's arrows with confetti

Painting Steve's shield different colors with designs

Magnetizing the floor around Mjolnir

Putting a smiley face sticker on Fury's eye patch

Spray painting EMERGENCY HATCH across the butt of Tony's Iron Man suit

Dying all of Bruce's favorite pants green so that when he Hulks out he looks naked

Resetting all of the equipment in Tony and Bruce's labs back to the factory defaults. (Seriously, they have everything in there just how they like it. I learned the hard way not to mess with anything in there after I did, and then a piece of equipment blew up when Tony got to close in his suit.)

Rule #6

Wednesday is shawarma night.

Do not make plans to do something else. Tony will pretend to be hurt the rest of the week.

Tony: Are you kidding me? This is the only night a week we all have to settle down for a minute. Fine then go. I didn't want to do this anyway.

He ignored me until I apologized two days later.

Rule #7

Any and all dates must be introduced to ALL of the Avengers. While they are going through the standard first date interrogation, Tony will (secretly) have JARVIS run a background check on them.

Clint and Steve automatically go into Protective-Big-Brother-Mode, firing questions off one after another. (i.e.: What time do you plan to have her home? What exactly are your intentions with her? Where are you going?)

Natasha gives them a silent glare that says 'If you hurt her, I know seven ways to kill you in which I can make it look like a painful accident and everyone here will help'.

Thor just stands over the poor boy with his arms folded over his chest looking menacing. I mean let's face it if Thor were to do that to anyone they would be slightly terrified.

Bruce avoids the conversation completely which is unsettling in itself.

Loki stares from a distance with a maniacal grin on his face that is quite disturbing and terrifying.

Tony waits on the results of the background check and throws them out of the tower if even so much as a speeding ticket pops up.

Rule #8

No. Chuck Norris CAN NOT join the Avengers.

No matter how many times you have Agent Hill put it on the agenda for the next team meeting.

Me: Pl-ease! Pl-ease Director Fury!? I'll be good I promise!

Fury: NO! Now Shut The Hell Up!

Rule #9

Never scream at the top of your lungs because you are happy or mad or frustrated or any other reason unless you want the team to bust down your door (Steve), break through the window (Clint), destroy the air ducts (Natasha), blast through the wall (Tony and Thor), or bring down the ceiling (Hulk), to make sure there is no danger.

When all this happens at once then you will really be screaming, especially when part of the celling lands on your big toe.

Yeah. Sorry Tony. I'll pay for the damages. Eventually.

Rule #10

The movie 'Warhorse' is no longer allowed.

The last time we watched it, everyone kept looking back and forth between the screen and Loki.

Thor: Brother, why did you not tell me that you had an offspring with a mortal? This is wonderful news! We must tell Mother and Father at once!

Tony: Eeeew! There's two of them!

Natasha: …? Neh…

Clint: Can I put an arrow in _**HIS**_ eye?

Steve: How is this even possible? Is that one of his illusions?

Me: Loki, why can't you act more like your look alike? He is soooooo nice. You should take lessons from him.

Loki: WHAT IN THE NINE REALMS!? What in Odin's name is this foolishness? Who is this mortal and why does he share my face?

Ok oh fair viewers of the word! We are curious as hell to know what you think of the first 10 rules!

So please review!

Loki: Or else!

EmmettCullenProject: Loki dear?

Loki: Yes oh amazing authoress?

EmmettCullenProject: Shut up.

Loki: Yes dear!

Nscara2: *clears throat loudly* please ignore the odd couple! Oh and see the little button down there that says REVIEW? Please let your magical little fingers work the magical little mouse and click on the magical little button and I will give you pumpkin apple bread!

All: Thanks again for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello again to all of our friends! We're glad you came to play! Our fun and learning never ends! Here's what we're doin' today!**

**Note our DISCLAIMER!**

**DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER! YAY!**

**Loki: You are a very strange creature.**

**EmmettCullenProject: Thank you!**

**Steve: You are as bad as Stark.**

**EmmettCullenProject: Nope Babe! I'm worse!**

**Rules and Regulations for Working and Living with Avengers and Loki**

Rule #11

Do NOT take Tony's suit and Steve's shield and go around yelling "You cannot defeat my awesomeness!"

I also tried to take a certain hammer but it was a little too heavy for me.

Rule #12

Remember to always throw away the red hair dye bottle like you are supposed to, or Steve may mistake it for one of those little bottles of shampoo…

He looked like a muscular Strawberry Shortcake for days. (Although it did go with the red, white, and blue theme.)

That is until we bought him some peroxide to help get it out.

Now he looks like Spike from Buffy.

I tried to slick his hair back but he used his shield to push me out the door and locked it. I didn't see him again for days.

Then when his roots started to show I screamed and tried to run my fingers through it. He again locked me out and keeps giving me suspicious looks.

Rule #13

'Loki did it' does not count as an actual report to file with S.H.I.E.L.D.

I tried it once and I'm still trying to finish the very detailed report that Fury and Agent Hill made me do. Including specific play-by-play and dialogue.

Though from what I hear, Tony tried it too and got away with it.

Gee, wish I was a genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist. Maybe then I could get away with stuff too.

Rule #14

Regarding rule #13, 'Loki did it' is not going to become S.H.I.E.L.D.'s catch phrase no matter how many times you say it.

It is also a bad lie to use when you eat the last Pop Tart.

Especially if Loki has been under Thor's ever watchful eye all day.

And JARVIS has you eating it on security footage.

And you have cherry Pop Tart crumbs on your shirt.

Natasha glared me into the ground when I told them that one.

Rule #15

Posting geeky school pictures of the team on Facebook, MySpace, or any other social networking site is also a really bad idea.

Especially when Fury found out you have posted his and everyone found out about his afro.

And Clint's baby pictures of him falling into a chocolate cake face first.

Rule #16

Make sure that no one finds out about any school events. Unless of course you want your high school dance to be chaperoned by a bunch of adults wearing weird outfits.

Steve will make sure all hands stay where they are supposed to. And he has Clint to help him spot any wandering hands.

Both Steve and Bruce will make sure that all bodies are at least three inches apart while dancing.

In fact, by the end it all turns into one big line dance.

Also, keep Tony away from the punch, because he will be the one trying to spike it.

Thank you Natasha for keeping him in line.

Loki was the only sane person there. And that's saying something.

And Thor 'Shaking his groove thang' is not a video you want to go viral.

Rule #17

Unless you plan on detailing all of them, STAY AWAY FROM TONY'S CARS!

He gets a bit pissy.

I honestly didn't mean to spill coffee on the seats of his Jaguar.

It slipped!

He had me pay to have it and all of the other cars cleaned.

Rule #18

If you see Mjolnir flying past you, DO NOT try to grab ahold of it and go for a ride.

I nearly broke my arm last time when I went through the wall. Twice.

But it did make for one hell of a ride!

Rule # 19

Super glue is BANNED!

Okay so I might have…

Super glued Clint's arrows into his quill (he thought I had learned my lesson after the whole confetti incident. HA! Shows him!)

Super glued my hand to Mjolnir (I think there's still bits of my skin left on the handle from where Thor tore me off of it)

Super glued Loki's reindeer antlers to his head (he wasn't happy when he had to cut his hair, and I wasn't too happy when I woke up with green hair. It won't come out no matter how many times you use color stripper! )

Super glued the face plate of Tony's suit shut (and forgot that even though I put glue on the mouth, he could still talk, and we could still hear him)

Super glued Bruce's shorts to him so when he transforms it pulls all of the hair on his VERY hairy legs (A/N: I mean come on, am I the only one who noticed how hairy Bruce is in the movie?)

Super glued around the eyes of Steve's helmet (Hehe, he had no eyebrows! He wants me to say he did not scream, there was a manly grunt.)

I knew better than to do anything to Natasha.

I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I'm not suicidal either!

Rule #20

If you know what's good for you, don't ask Tony or Bruce for help on any science homework.

After my report on molecular fusion, the teacher wanted all of my work to be the same quality as that.

Now it's expected.

I don't like it.

I made them stop helping.

EmmettCullenProject: REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!

Loki: She is such a simple minded creature.

ECP: Indeed.

Nscara2: Wierdo.

ECP: Yes I know thank you!

Nscara2: Anytime!


End file.
